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Superspook suggested getting his mates together and going in as a SWAT team. When she realised what was happening, she pretended to be someone else, but Superspook was having none of it. My own man, let’s call him Superspook, served Morticia with ease, making an appointment to see an apartment and serving her in the elevator. Private detectives aren’t that expensive and they get the job done incredibly efficiently. If I thought that employing a sheriff was something I would be unlikely ever to find in my life’s repertoire, employing a private detective was way beyond my wildest dreams but it became clear that if I wanted to play The Addams Family at their own game, that is what I would have to do. The teacher came over to ask if we were new and that we should be careful not to over-exert ourselves – our dogs were obviously already way too over-active in the head department. Seventy-five sodding minutes we spent, twisting our heads left and right from Downward Facing Dog and whispering every time somebody vaguely resembling Morticia entered the room. Morticia, I knew, attended a yoga class close by and Howard and I went along in the hope of serving Morticia mid-position. The Addams Family refused access to the sheriff and so, as the plaintiff is not allowed to serve papers, I called upon the services of my friend Howard, who was visiting LA. Serving the papers became a comedy in its own right and will provide plenty of material for my future projects. As Lurch owned the letting company, I had to sue him I was also advised to sue Morticia, should Lurch prove elusive. Morticia ran the company for Lurch, whose contribution to the whole tale is nothing more than a lurking, verbally threatening figure in the background. To make a very boring story interesting, let’s call The Defendants The Addams Family.
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After my paying $600, the stains had allegedly had not come out: the carpet company provided no evidence of this the landlord provided no evidence of this and, despite repeated requests over many months, no receipts were forthcoming for any replacement carpet.Ĭalifornian law is very clear on this, and to cut a very long story short, a landlord must provide evidence of work carried out. My landlord had returned a portion of my deposit when I left the apartment and retained a portion to cover some stains, which I acknowledged had been left on the carpet. It had been a long journey to the courtroom – almost a year, to be precise. Clearly, he had consigned me to the dregs of LA wheel-less nobodies, assuming that anyone who couldn’t afford a car wasn’t going to be a huge risk in the acquisition of bomb-making supplies. When the official picked himself up off the floor, he softened towards me, asking about my accent.
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I explained that I didn’t own a car – a crime in LA even more heinous than carrying an illegal can of hairspray. Why hadn’t I left it in my car? I was asked. When I forgot about a small can of hairspray in my handbag as it went through the X-Ray at the courtroom entrance, I thought I was going to be whisked off to Death Row quicker than you could say Judge Alex. But the court officials – blimey! They were a different kettle of fish altogether.
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I am not someone who is easily scared by bullies, and compared to the Fleet Street editors I am used to, any landlord is always going to be mincemeat. Never having been sued or sued anyone else, my experience of courtrooms in general was limited, and my experience of American courtrooms was limited to what I had learned from television – which, as it happened, turned out to be very far from the reality. Don’t rent from a private landlord it was advice I wish I had heeded when, standing before a judge in a Los Angeles courtroom, I was suddenly The Plaintiff in a case I brought against my ex-landlord.